In 2011, YouTube Mockumentary Don’t Drop the Egg depicted the trials and tribulations of three privately educated friends as they balanced their semi-pro rugby ‘careers’ with city life and was a viral success – hilariously skewering Clapham’s prominent rugby-lad culture.
Nine years later, the video’s protagonist Archie Curzon returned to social-media prominence as the self-proclaimed ‘magician’, CEO, and Chief Chat Officer (CCO) of Clapham, the latter title on account of his ‘exquisite pitter-patter’.
Curzon teaches his followers to live the Clapham lifestyle.
When not ‘melting phone’ in the city he continues to play rugby for the Clapham Falcons.
When not playing rugby, he does CrossFit with his team – the Chassis Monsters.
Curzon, who refused to reveal his age but stressed he was in his ‘prime’, said: “In the past, you were born into having bloody good cianter, which is city banter, but I am bringing that forward to the modern era.
“I am now touring my self-help courses, the AAABBBCCC, where I help those who weren’t lucky enough to go to private school and haven’t got any chat.
“I’m also looking at working with a few charities in Clapham to allow less privileged children a Ned membership, and then watch with fascination to see what they do with it, because potentially they could find people to invest in their business.
“I would obviously take around 70% of anything they make and that would be in the fine print. Your readers probably don’t need to know that – just make me look good.”
Curzon thrived in 2020, having started Instagram account @lashbanter10.
It garnered a significant following whilst the likes of Chris Robshaw, Danny Care and Jamie Laing all featured on Curzon’s Rig Biz podcast, the new season of which was released Thursday.
Though Curzon enjoyed a productive year, he was perhaps more accustomed to living in isolation than most.
Curzon said: “When I did my gap year in Canary Wharf, I remember the day my dad Alistair – he prefers when I call him Alistair- dropped me off at my rented accommodation in Clapham. He said I don’t want to see you this whole year.
“Part of me was sad because he’s got a massive house, but I got what he was trying to say to me: carve out your own career in the city.
“Alistair is communicating without communicating but what I read into it is he loves me.
“Even when my grandfather died and I was really sad, I remember trying to ring him and he didn’t pick up. I was angry at first, but I managed to get through that six-month period. He’s a bloody good parent.”
Curzon has been keen to offer tips to financial success on his Instagram, but the Clapham Falcons 10 – sometimes 12 – also shared advice on how to master pandemic dating.
Curzon said: “In the first lockdown supermarkets were a great place to pick up girls. If you’re looking for a quickie then you could go to somewhere like Iceland.
“But if you’re looking for something more long term, someone whose parents have a second home, a girl that is going to be a good investment, then I was finding quite a lot of success in Waitrose and Marks and Spencer’s.
“This time I’m taking COVID extremely seriously. People are losing their lives and I’ve had to lock the chassis indoors which means I get to spend a lot more time with my Kettle Bell.
“I’ll spend Valentine’s reaffirming that I am doing well in life, because I really am.
“I have nearly 50,000 followers on Instagram, tell me anyone that is unhappy who has that many followers. There is a correlation between having that many followers on Instagram and being happy and successful in life.
“I think you will notice that a lot of influencers in Dubai right now are really happy. I’m also bloody happy – I’ve even got under 10% body fat. Please write that last bit down.”
Throughout our 20-minute conversation Curzon stressed he was happy on nine separate occasions.
Curzon added: “Long term I’m looking to settle down. I’m looking for that spectacular investment and when it comes, I won’t let it go.
“I plan to have many children and produce little businessmen, little rugby players, and maybe a girl.
“I went to boarding school from the age of four and it did me well so for my children it’s straight to boarding school and then into the school of hard knocks, Clapham.
“Obviously, I’d give them a little leg up. I’d pay for their Ned membership the first two years of their life in the city and then they’re on their own.”
Despite lockdown, Curzon’s spirits have not been dampened, and he is optimistic for the future though his ambitions are perhaps a bit bold.
Curzon said: “I would say we’re probably going to be in lockdown until May, which is good because I’m looking to get my body fat to under 5%.
“But later down the line politics is something I’ll look into. I really like the work the Conservatives have been doing – any time we’ve had a Conservative government I’ve reaped the benefits, or my dad has.
“Maybe I’ll start a new party, but just as long as we don’t have any smelly Labour people.
“We had a guy in our office that was a Labour supporter – we had to let him go which was pretty easy. He was banging on about equality – I’m sorry but 90% of the wealth is owned by 1% of the population and I’d like to keep it that way.
“I think he actually logged a complaint about me so I probably shouldn’t be talking about that.
“But one thing that does upset me is seeing people who really don’t know how to have a lot of money have money.
“You know when you see a lottery winner and you think they won’t spend that wisely. At least go buy a decent watch or invest in property in Clapham – it’s going up still.”
